Dear Diary:

by: nippersdad

Tue May 29, 2012 at 12:53:04 PM EDT

We know that we were here only yesterday, and that writing diaries every day would be self indulgent and wrong, but, being basically self indulgent entities as we are, we decided to put aside the decision of not writing diaries quite so often and describe the effects of sitting in bed whilst being too lazy to feed oneself. We assume that this will have great interest for the scientific community. All of us have agreed that an experiment that they do not have to pay for in these days of budget cutbacks should be right up their alley. So, all of you people with Doctoral Dissertations to write, this is our noble gift to you...personally...Anyway...

So, this morning we awoke to find that we are out of beer and crackers on the bed; no breakfast! This is a dire situation, someone is going to have to go into the kitchen and get some rations, MRE's or something, or we will all die of inanition.

Actually, we think one tends to buy it from lack of water before one dies of inanition. That is a cool word, though, isn't it? See, we even used it in two different sentences; literacy rocks!

We need to look up how long one can go without beer before one actually dies (or goes into a coma or something)(you know, whatever), if we can correlate that with the potentially bad effects of inanition (three times!), like passing out, we may be able to only have to get out of bed once. The total savings in calories from only having to go for supplies once should logically mean that we won't have to bring back as many supplies (efficiency!).

We are beginning to wonder if we are using that word correctly. Luckily we happen to have a dictionary at the foot of the bed, so no precious calorie wastage there...hmmm hm hm...Here it is, right below the word inane...NO! It means buying it from lack of BOTH food AND water. We have been using it

Anyway, all of our personalities polled don't really think it matters all that much. We are all going to die anyway. We are doomed.

The damn phone is ringing again; who ARE these people! Can they not see that we are too weak to talk to them? Now, that is just really rude. Like, it's all about them or something. We can't even die of inanition (four!) (correctly this time!) in peace anymore. O.K. All right! I'm coming! (reaching over to the bedside table)

What do you want!!!?

"I'm sorry. Is this the Magistrate's Court?"

No, it is not the Magistrate's Court, but we are in need of a sandwich, could you please bring one to us? Oh, and some beer.


How rude! They didn't even say goodbye. We had to have expended nearly four calories to answer that phone. Calories we will never get back. We are surrounded by people that are trying to kill us! We feel assured that we are not being paranoid in this matter; that was some flagrant wastage there in our present state.

Well, we are not going to make that mistake again! We are not going to let them win that easily. We will just balance this phone on top of the clothes over here, like so, and then we won't have to reach so far for the phone next time. Three calories saved. Efficiency! Self preservation!

Hmmm hm hm.

Personality number one:

So, what shall we talk about?

Personality no. III:

I don't know, but this is getting tedious and Mr. Kitty's litter box is beginning to smell bad.

Personality #2:

Whaddya say we get in the car and go somewhere? Y'all are getting really boring.


Well Doctoral Dissertationists, we are sorry that the experiment only lasted twenty minutes but in these days of budget cutbacks any experiments have value...


Well, we will assume that we are right and just mosey on down to McDonalds for some lard.

From us to you, have a nice day! And we mean that from the bottom of our heart.

nippersdad :: Dear Diary:
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Dear Diary: | 21 comments
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